the Balance

I had found an interesting way to keep myself busy. Think money. Though I always thought about earning money, but not like Warren Buffet. So, I had only thoughts. But now, since I wanted to think or wanted to force myself to think in some other direction, to forget the naptol of the past, I had started thinking about money. Not how to save money, but how to earn money. Earn without thinking how much I should earn. Just to keep on earning. This could be "the reclusive stick" which will thrash my thoughts about the past upto that level, which will enable me to cross the threshold of pain, and enter the stage of "no pain" .
These days my mind works in multiple directions,like how to supress my basic behaviour and keep myself busy. From my past I have realized, that I got an uncanny ability of hurting people without even knowing it. Working real hard to improve it. I have always believed that humans thoughts should be free. With thought like butterflies flying and colorful ,like water impinging on hard mundane rocks of society eroding them with their sharpness. But somehow I think i'm missing the other side of the story. The counter thoughts on the other side of the fulcrum. May be with time I will be able to strike the right cord. May be with time i'm might be able to hang in the air with balloons of my thoughts and my own air and still not hurt anyone (unknowingly). But right now, is not the time. Still i'm seeking the balance. N yeah, the money thinggy might play a crucial role in shaping my thoughts, for the right balance. And then I won't hurt anyone unknowingly. Amen !

oh love ..

oh love..
where were you , when i was searching your meaning..
where were you, when i founded your meaning..
where were you, when i was trying to forget your meaning..
[below lines are added by div/dibi/divya]
and love is lost. but is it really lost? if once there, how can it go?

and we will forever be entangled in these questions, and love.

Magic of random thoughts

I am trying to write. Do we need refined thoughts to write? Should we be clear about what we are writing? May b I wasn’t thinking clearly. This might be the possible explanation of, why in the first space I am asking these questions. But, as I have asked them, let us try and put certain perspective into them. Because all thoughts exist due to some reason, we just need to find the right perspective in which they will fit in. I still don’t know the answers of the above questions. Though what I can possibly say is that, we don’t need a predefined set of thoughts to be able to write meaningfully .Writer is supposed to pen down his imagination. Imagination is supposed to be wild. Wild enough to tame the wildest of reader thought. To maintain that wildness, we need to give certain opportunity to our imagination, to fly free. Free of any predefined prejudices, social architecture, personal longing, desires etc. The magical part of this will be a story without any bounds. Full of wilderness flowing all around .But if we try and give certain shape to this magical writing by relating it with certain events and architectures, it falls under the category of magical realism. Like of Rushdie and Gabriel are champions of magical realism.
I never intended to write on an explanatory note on what magical realism is. But I ended with one. So, see the magic or no concrete thoughts!!

Raison D'etre

From a very long time I knew that I wanted to be an entrepreneur. In fact it was my ultimate aim in life to give shape to something born out of my mind. To taken an initiative which would change the world, however small that initiative might be .For me living was making life worthwhile for others. And to help moving the world a step further.
But, don’t know what kept me away from this reality for quite a time. Now, realizing it again I feel that I should move in so as to full fill that reality.
In my earlier post I had mentioned that software wasn’t my cake. Though I feel completely different about it now .For starting something of my own I need to garner technical skills which would enable me to give shape to my ideas and vision.
So, considering the thought that I need to full fill my dreams, or rather full fill the desire which burns inside me I had changed my line of action and decided to make headway into the software industry.
Let’s c, whether I’m able to focus this time or not

Acceptance

Recently Baba Ramdeo talked of homosexuality and quoted Spanish psychiatrist Enrique Rojas, and contended homosexuality as a disease.
I was shocked to hear that. Out of the whole world I never expected Ramdeo to say something like that. He was out of the lot, who was trying it hard to make world a better place to live.
The whole talk about homosexuality is not about article 377 , but about the fact that they are someone like us. All major mental health organizations, including the American Psychological Association (APA), have stated that homosexuality is not a mental disorder. It’s not a disease. So, darn how can some Babaji cure it?
He might be too much obsessed by his yoga, or he might have considered himself as next to god.
What ever, but one thing is clear, if this saffron clad yogic is allowed to traverse its path the long standing Indian ideology of pluralism and respect to humanity in any form would be in great danger.
We ,he and everybody else should readily believe that homosexuals are a creation of God. They are no different from us. They are human without disease. In fact they are much better then us, as they give us an important lesson, ‘Respect humanity in its very form of existence’.

P.S
1. Kudos to Naz foundation for it’s commendable work.
2.Pictures of the Gay parade in Delhi, something which makes me proud of Delhi.
3.There are some pictures of that parade on my friends facebook account. If anybody needs them do let me know.

Bucket List

I had to stop and think about my own Bucket List,after watching Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson deciding theirs. Thinking about the list was an addition to my earlier enlightening spat with father about having an aim.
Though after reaching home, the first thing on my mind was to have a hair cut. I had to get that cut,as it was an order by someone close to me. Sweetly my father asked, to take me to the hair dresser himself. So,after a long long gap,I was back to my childhood days when my father used to take me for a hair cut on his dhugdhugi. He was pretty nervous this time,as in whether I would like the barber chosen by him or not.
Along the way he also taught me,"jab samay accha nahi ho to samay ke peeche nahi bhagte,intezaar karo acche samay ka patiently"(Don't run after time,when it's not good,just wait for the right time patiently),why he said that is a different story all together.
Overall I was fascinated by the barber he choose,it was like Zeitgeist of 90's was circling me. Sound of old hindi songs playing themselves out from a dim voiced radio ,subscription of Mayapuri's full of Bollywood gossips lying ruthlessly on crimson colored couch ,the cheap satin colored cloth used to prevent hairs from falling directly upon your clothes ,different varieties of cosmetics all were just same.The difference being the AC.
So,while the hours passed I was transformed from a long haired junglee to a short haired insaan,as that loving person demanded me to be. :-)

SUDDENLY

From quite a few days I was pretty messed up. Messed up with myself. With my own perplexed thoughts. At times I decided on certain things,but within a day or two founded myself again in that confusing circle of thoughts,rotating aimlessly here n there.
My father understood that and had been continuously asking me to have some aim in life,without that it's all bulls shit. I understood that,and tried to follow,but was finding it very hard to fix on something specific.
Then a few days back, a friend of mine told me her philosophy in life,she said,"Gaurav I'm not a lucky girl,but what makes me happy is that I never compromise on what I want".
That suddenly made me realize what I have been doing all this while. I was compromising on what I truly want,or what I think I can achieve. During this period of no job,I started thinking to do things which I thought I would never do in life. I started to compromise. Compromise on my own ability.
That thought of hers,along with my fathers suggestion somehow made me able to break that circular round of thoughts and to fell flat on the ground,with arms and legs wide open,and made me able to visualize the clear sky,the blue sky,without any confusing clouds.

My reason to vote for congress

PM seeks peace, end to 'match' with Advani
After over a week's stinging tirade against Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) leader L.K. Advani, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh on Sunday declared a ceasefire stating that he did not wish to "continue the match" but maintained he had no regrets over his utterances.

"I don't want to prolong the match and the dialogue. Whatever I had to say I have said already," Manmohan Singh said in Guwahati.

The Prime Minister had retaliated with sharp criticism after Advani repeatedly called him a "weak prime minister".

However, asked separately about his attack on Advani in an interview with a news channel, the prime minister said: "No. I don't regret anything because Mr Advani has been mudslinging for the last five years against me. He has been saying I am a nikamma (incompetent) PM, subservient to Sonia Gandhi that I am the weakest PM."

"These are charges which have hurt me but I have never said anything. Mr. Advani has no business to complain. He started it, he's been at it for last five years and it's only now that I have replied to that sort of mudslinging," Manmohan Singh reiterated.

Manmohan Singh had questioned his opponent's record in the government and stated that the Babri Masjid was demolished in 1992 right under Advani's nose and that he was the home minister when the BJP-led government freed terrorists in return for release of hostages aboard a hijacked Indian plane in Afghanistan in 1999.

Meanwhile, the prime minister rejected Rashtriya Janata Dal (RJD) chief Lalu Prasad's charge that the Congress too was to blame for Babri Masjid demolition, saying the BJP was solely responsible for it.

"We can't be blamed," Manmohan Singh said reacting to Lalu Prasad's remarks on Friday and Saturday.

While the Congress was in power in New Delhi then, the BJP was ruling Uttar Pradesh.

Manmohan Singh said then Uttar Pradesh chief minister Kalyan Singh "did what he did" despite his affidavit to the apex court that he would protect the 16th century mosque.
"It is known to everybody that then BJP chief minister Kalyan Singh gave a solid assurance to the Supreme Court and after that he did what he did. The Congress party certainly cannot be blamed because it believed that Kalyan Singh would honour the affidavit given to the Supreme Court."

"But he didn't honour it and that is the only fault you can find with the Congress party with regard to the demolition of the Babri Masjid," the Prime Minister said.

Railways Minister Lalu Prasad had said in Bihar that the Congress was also to blame for the demolition as it did nothing to prevent it, despite being in power at the centre then.

At a public rally, Manmohan Singh said: "Communalism, terrorism, and Naxalism (Maoism), are today a big threat to the country's unity and integrity, but we are committed to fighting all these evils with a firm hand. To defeat communalism, we all have to vote for the Congress party as we are the only party that stands for secularism."

Referring to the November 26 attacks, he said: "During the Mumbai terror attacks our government handled the situation very firmly.... But did the opposition government at the centre (BJP-led National Democratic Alliance) ever take such bold steps?"

"I don't have to elaborate on that. There is a lot of difference and contradictions in the way the BJP speaks and the way they actually act," he said.

On the global financial crisis, the prime minister said the meltdown was a result of "financial mismanagement" by developed countries and it would blow over "partially" by September.

"This crisis has arisen due to mishandling of the financial system by the major developed countries," he said. Then, the growth rate of 8 to 9 percent would be restored, he added.

He also said the Congress if voted to power would make a renewed effort to curb militancy and terror even as he appealed to the United Liberation Front of Asom (ULFA) for peace talks.

"Our doors for peace talks are open and we want the ULFA to shun the path of violence and come and hold peace talks with us," Manmohan Singh said.

Earth Hour

Earth hour was a normal hour for me before this year. But being in a metro,I was made aware of this particular hour by radio. I hadn't decided to shut off the lights for this particular hour, but suddenly at eight thirty something in me said that I should be the part of a bigger picture. I was feeling like to make a difference,however small it should be. So,I switched off the lights and fans,and asked my friends to do the same.
Rather I decided to celebrate this hour by sitting in darkness. I even denied tea offered to me by my friends,as it used non-renewable form of energy and in spite of the fact that weather was excellent yesterday I denied to go on the terrace too,because I didn't wanted to use lift.
That one hour of darkness made me realize the importance of this initiative. It made me realize what would happen if someday light would go like this and why we should start saving light. So,in a way at this hour,we were expected to remain in darkness and to realize the importance of energy.
In a way it was also a way to check our perseverance.As it's rightly said,"He conquers who endures. ~Persius" .So,this hour also demanded some level of perseverance for making this initiative a success(That's why the government didn't forced this hour on us).
It's not easy you see to sit in darkness for an hour knowing that you can switch on the lights and that time I also realized how difficult it would have been for our Shwetambar Gurus to sit idle and just to think.I deliberately added this Shwetambar stuff so as to make a thoughtful link between perseverance and how it can lead us to a better way of life and how the importance of "perseverance" was thought of by our Sadhus long ago.
Overall that hour proved an asset to me,making me aware of the importance of ,"perseverance"& off course consequences "No Light".

~~Surviving

Henry David Thoreau-"Things do not change; we change"
It's not the strongest of the species that survive, nor it's the most intelligent of the species that survive, but it's the one most adaptable to change.
But the question is whether it's the existence I'm looking for? Never in my mind I had the word existence. I never thought that I had to think of existence.
But,then I thought what David was talking about wasn't just breathing properly, it was existence in the standard of society one dreams of living in.
So,he was pretty correct ,we need to be adaptable. Somehow ,I also relate a dialog from the movie Rocky,"But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!" to it. Surviving is about a bit of David and a bit of Rocky.

~~Strange World

I don't like this world. The world I'm currently working in as a software professional, or so called Consultant-Technology. When this industry opened it's door to me,like it does to millions out here in India,I was fascinated by it's structure and the amount of IQ one has to spend to make things work here. Initially I was also excited because I was getting to work near Delhi, and believe me it's amazing for a small town boy to see Delhi and the beauty it holds within it. Also I got an opportunity to live with my college friends,six in all,together. So,time flied ,and so did we ,without being prudent enough to see what's in store for us.
But,this industry ,I mean the software industry just shook me. It was very strange for me,to see so many selfish and cut throat people around. People who didn't meant what they said, for whom words were just mere words without any attached meaning, show off was considered wise enough so that one could sustain .
I was even shocked by my own friends,their level of understanding shocked me.My opinion started changing about them, I had started believing that I never knew them.
The only motive which moved people around here was their own success, and that's right and wise enough to do, considering the theory of "objectivism". I'm myself an ardent follower of Ayn Rand's theory.
But while considering selfishness as the path to success people forget that,that selfishness was portrayed on characters such as Howard Roark,who demolished the whole structure seeing that it wasn't built on his principles. We just forget that character,and the characteristic it displayed and what we remember is theory of objectivism.
Here, the question is not how work should be done,it's about how work is get done. It's not about opportunities,it's about the way you can make them.
In these six months I have seen guys changing their attitude towards someone just because they were in need, changing their opinion just because that suited them, changed their friends just because that helped them.

All what I can summarize is,I couldn't find a single person here for whom I could say ,"A man is a man of character and action and not pretensions and deceptions".

~~Thank You

Thank You..
thank you for only letting me have good memories ..
and i'm thankful that it's you I should thank..
you are the sea of my life..
so,I'm sorry..
I'm sorry I can't stay next to you..
and sorry that I love you..
please be happy..
because I love you..
you must be happy.

Do you understand me?
Will you promise me?
That you will be happy..
that you would be well..

Save Job

In this time of recession,isn't it a better idea to reduce the pay scale of everyone in the hierarchy so that job loss could be avoided?
Nevertheless reduced pay scale won't affect the spending caliber of an individual because due to job loss there is gap in demand and supply. This gap has pushed inflation rocketing downwards . So,the price of commodities have eventually decreased .And hence the reduced pay won't affect them eventually and we can also save job loss.

Decision

I had taken a decision that I won't continue in software any more. While taking this decision I was confused,as whether decisions should be logical?Logical in a way that it should support your line of vision,if there is any. But ,I was confused about my line of vision,so my decision wasn't definitely logical. Right now,what was affecting my decision was my long standing belief that I wasn't made for this software industry,although this belief is totally based on intuition. So,you can say that my decision wasn't logical,but intuition+al .
Am i wrong going with my intuitions?Isn't it that one should act more on his intuition?
Apart from all this,something was holding me up,asking me to stay.So, I was bound.Out of this boundation I wasn't able to free my self. But, I had to,sooner or later. But, right now I can't. I want to achieve something,not for me,so that I can set my self free. Free,to bind my self to something else. Something not more important ,but something which was required.
Required,not because it's logical,but because that's intuition+al.
So,ultimately I had made a decision,which is quite logical and the logic is,I should go with my intuitions.

Self-Denial

Today,like past few days I was sitting idle and thoughts without words were flowing inside my head.
The girl sitting just right of the pillar facing me was amusing in a peculiar way. Today the small bindi on her forehead was just adding to her beauty. The flash of light from the computer facing her,her slake fingers and the way she rested it on her chin n cheeks,the amazing style of her dupatta,fall of her hair and above all her captive eyes.
Sun light filtering through the curtain facing me,usual spin of the entrance door , attentive but deceptive face of manish garg(our hr),casual and frictional walk of Amit Govil(ceo) with an ego about his achievement without considering the way he did that,the constant effort of sharad(the guy sitting adjacent to me),the bait searching eyes of u n mayank,the illogically considerate eyes of joshi etc. these are just a part of my daily thought excersise. Apart from the girl,who does't know how to take out printouts and her searching n disturbed eyes.
My day is stuffed with loads of expectations.Expectations that something would happen and my thought process would be changed. I strongly believe that I'm not in the right mode of life,doing things which shouldn't be done,or which are not required out of me to be done .
Something was going wrong,something had to change.I don't know what to do for that. But right now what I'm pursuing is self-denial.
My self-denial might end up bringing hope n life to the one i love.
:-)